I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
