I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
