I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
