At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
