trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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