I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
