Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
