I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
smell my finger.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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