proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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