i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
