he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
