Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
