I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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