just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He shit in the fireplace
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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