i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
