well I can't set my house on fire every night
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
