apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
