i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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