I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
