where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
