Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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