i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I deserve this hangover.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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