i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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