It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
