I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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