I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
