Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
