Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Randomize
