So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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