Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
