Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
