The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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