I didn't shave. On purpose
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
