How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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