dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
