for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
