you have to choose: penises or morals?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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