eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
