He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
