At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Every concussion has its silver lining
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
