Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
