Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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