Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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