i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
