whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
