We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
