I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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