I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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