Betty ford says i'm here all night
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
