im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
