By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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